NFL 2006: It's Finally Here

The 2006 NFL season is now hours away, and I'm ready to make my picks for the season. I didn’t go too far out on a limb with some of the picks, but some, I think, are surprises. Actually, I just wanted to make a few picks that were different from the prognosticators and hope to get one or two correct so when February rolls around I can say "I told ya so."

AFC East
1. Patriots (D'oh! It pains me to pick the Patsies.)
2. Dolphins *
3. Bills
4. J-E-T-S (Stands for: Just End The Season)

AFC North
1. Bengals (More TDs than arrests? We'll see)
2. Browns (The Dawg Pound will bark again (Who writes this crap?))
3. Steelers (Is there anyone uglier than a Steelers fan? The answer is no.)
4. Ravens (Who cares?)

AFC South
1. Colts
2. Jaguars *
3. Titans (Will start the season 0-1. Go Jets!))
4. Texans (Oh, Celina!)

AFC West
1. Broncos
2. Chargers
3. Chiefs (The Chiefs D will stink, but Herm's just happy to be out of New York.)
4. Raiders (Just signed Ken Stabler to play QB.)

NFC East
1. Giants
2. Cowboys *
3. Eagles
4. Redskins (Please ditch the all white unis, Skins.)

NFC North
1. Bears (No other team is good enough to win this division.)
2. Vikings
3. Lions
4. Packers (Favre will throw 187 interceptions.)

NFC South
1. Bucs
2. Panthers *
3. Falcons
4. Saints

NFC West
1. Seahawks
2. Cardinals
3. Rams
4. 49'ers

* Wild Card team

AFC Championship
Bengals over Patriots
NFC Championship
Bucs over Cowboys

Super Bowl: Bengals over Bucs

That's right, the Bengals will win the Super Bowl. Carson Palmer and the Cincinnati offense will total more points than arrests this season. Chad Johnson will lead the league in touchdown receptions and fines and will perform a choreographed dance number with Shakira in the end zone after scoring a TD against the Steelers during a New Year's Eve game in Cincinnati. Super Bowl XLI will feature two teams with super hot cheerleading squads. I say we match up the two cheer squads to play in this year's Lingerie Bowl. Who's with me?

Surprise Team of the Year: It seems every year a team comes out a black hole to have a successful season. Two years ago it was Carolina, and last year the Redskins made a good run at the end of the season to go fairly deep into the playoffs. So who is the surprise team of 2006? Many say the Cardinals, but that was the sexy pick last season, and I'm not buying into the hype again this year. I think the Browns are ready to make a step up. They will narrowly miss the playoffs, but be much better than people expect and beat out the Steelers for the No. 2 spot in the AFC North. Quarterback Charlie Frye will be the feel-good story of 2006

Most Disappointing Team of the Year: The Steelers will go down and go down hard this year. Pittsburgh was a team that caught a lot of breaks at the end of 2005. You may remember the Steelers needed help from other teams just to get in the playoffs a year ago. They were a Ben Roethlisberger season-saving tackle away from being sent home early from the playoffs by the Colts. Speaking of Roethlisberger, he will go down in week six and be out for the season after Joey Porter accidentally drops a keg of Iron City Beer on the quarterback's throwing hand while celebrating a win over the Chiefs. My runner up for Most Disappointing Team is the Washington Redskins who could have big fat Tony Stewart playing quarterback by mid November.

Things I want to see in the NFL during the 2006 season: Bill Parcells giving T.O. a wedgie on the sidelines after the receiver complains that he's not getting enough passes tossed his way. …The J-E-T-S beat the Patriots by three touchdowns and Bill Belichick resigns by leaving a note in the middle of the field that reads, "I resign as HC of the NEP ASAP FU." (Maybe you have to be a Jets fan to thinks that's funny.) …Speaking of the Jets, I want to see coach Eric Mangini have a salad every once in a while. Have you seen that gut? Holy step away from the buffet, Batman. …I want to see an official statement by President Bush saying the Dallas Cowboys and the Atlanta Braves are not America's teams. However, Bush will say Texas is America's state. …I want to see Ben Roethlisberger forget to wear his helmet during a play. That would be hilarious and have such irony. …I want to see DirecTV mistakenly hookup me up with the NFL Sunday Ticket and not charge me one penny. …In the playoffs, I want to see Terrell Owens have a Bill Buckner-like moment. …I want to see Tom Coughlin yell "Serenity Now!" when facing tough questions from the New York media following a Giants loss. …I want to see the Jets sign a sexy female kicker from Russia. Now that's fantasy football. …I want to hear the Tony Kornheiser talk on Monday Night Football broadcast in the same style he talks on PTI and his radio show. Has anyone thought of dumping Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann and putting Michael Wilbon in the Monday Night booth with Mr. Tony? …I don’t want to hear a word of discussion about whether Brett Favre will play next season. …I want to see Bill Cower's face get stuck that way, at least for a couple of hours, during a cold game in Cleveland.

So long and good night and good luck. Enjoy the season. It’s finally here!