To pee or not to pee

You may find this disgusting and even a bit disturbing, but I’m going Thursday to be outfitted with a special Super Bowl catheter.

That’s right – a catheter.

Why? Because the truth is there are no bathroom breaks once the game kicks off. In the old days – and this is still true with all other sporting events – you took your potty break during the commercials.

That, however, is no longer an option, because those multi-million-dollar ads have become just as much part of the event as the game itself. They are a cultural institution all to their own.

Everyone looks forward to the Super Bowl commercials. Often that’s how you get your wife or girlfriend to watch the game with you. I mean, how often do you hear someone say, “I can’t wait to see the commercials.”? Just one time a year, and that’s now, the week before the big event when all the hype is ragging.

And unlike the game itself, the commercials turn out few duds. When there are flops, there’s sure to be one or two ads that shine and become the talk of the office the following Monday. This year CareerBuilder is bringing back those popular workplace monkeys and Pizza Hut will have an ad featuring the Muppets, with Miss Piggy and Jessica Simpson wearing matching outfits. Plus, you know there will be an appearance by the King – the Burger King, that is. He can’t leave the building at this point.

And let’s hope to goodness we see the GoDaddy.com girl again this year. What a big splash that company made with its ‘05 ads, heh? This year’s ads must be hotter than ever because ABC keeps rejecting each GoDaddy ad it is sent. No matter really, the publicity is sure to drive those interested to the GoDaddy Web site where viewers can watch all the sexy ads in their entirety – this includes the Web exclusives – any time and as many times as desired. I highly recommend the new window washer commercial.

So, why are these commercials usually so interesting? It’s simply because companies must pay big money to get just a precious few seconds of air time. So naturally they want to get the most bang from their bucks. And it must me worth the price because every year, the cost for spots increase and companies don’t even blink at shelling out even more dough. This year Super Bowl ads are priced at around $2.5 million for a 30-second spot. In case you’re keeping score or the price of TV ads for big-time sporting events, that figure dwarfs the meager $750,000 a spot the Winter Olympics on NBC are commanding.

The Super Bowl Sunday price is juiced by the fact that everyone has their eyes focused on that big plasma screen when the game is on. With the NFL season culminating into one big spectacular championship game and the promise of seeing some kick-butt commercials, companies know they have a huge captive audience. This year’s game is expected to grab 90 million viewers, and the last time I checked, seven of the top 10 TV programs of all-time have been Super Bowls.

So, for example, if you’re Pizza Hut, that’s a lot of eyeballs watching super babe Jessica Simpson hump your business. To me, that’s priceless.

So are you set four five hours of watching the Steelers and Seahawks and a dozen of fun, dazzling, creative, heart-warming, expensive commercials?

I’m almost ready.

So, if you’ll please excuse me, I need to get plenty of rest before I have the catheter installed. I sure hope the thing doesn’t leak. I’d hate to have a spill at the Super Bowl party and then have to clean up the mess with some Steelers fan’s Terrible Towel.

Note: You, too, can get your own catheter without going to the doctor. Numerous Web sites offer catheters and other urological supples. Ameds.com is one such company with a large product line. Follow this link to see what's in the catheter store. I have to say I am a bit disappointed to find none of these urological supply companies have an NFL merchandising license. Therefore there are no catheters sporting a Steelers or Seahawks logo. It would have been interesting to see if they would have put the Steelers logo on just one side of the catheter.

New slate means no Vick, but maybe Jessica Simpson will turn up at Lane Stadium

It’s great to get some football news out of Virginia Tech that doesn’t involve a quarterback stepping on someone’s leg, or pulling a gun on some kids at McDonald’s, or giving alcohol to teenage girls.

Aren’t we all just sick of that?

Oh, and did you read that big brother Michael Vick said – while being interviewed at an Atlanta Hawks game of all places – that little brother Marcus didn’t do anything wrong and that “the world will know when the truth comes out.”? Well, if you want to read more about that on-going drama, go to the Atlanta Journal Constitution Web site.

Meanwhile, the good news out of Hokie Nation is that there is promise of a new season without all the chaos that comes from As the Vick Turns. (Jeez, I hate that every team now has a nation. Even Rutgers has a nation now after making its first bowl appearance since before God built the moon. I think this nation-building started with the Red Sox. Let’s let them keep it.)

The Hokies Wednesday released their 2006 schedule, revealing that the ’05 AAC Coastal Division champs will open in Lane Stadium with…drum roll, please …Northeastern.

Northeastern? Are you kidding me?

Ok. Well, I’m sure the rest of the non-conference schedule offers more of a challenge, if not a prominent college football name recognition. There’s got to be an SEC or Big 10 or PAC-10 school on the sked somewhere, right? Hey, maybe Notre Dame is on there. Oh, and what about that game with Tennessee at Bristol Motor Speedway? Could that possibly happen this year?

Let me take a look. Hmmmm. Uh, no! The answer no – a bloody no to all of the above.

After the opener Tech plays out-of-conference foes Cincinnati, Southern Mississippi, and Kent State. That’s not exactly blowing the minds of the BCS folks, is it?

Tech can say, I guess, it has a tough enough AAC schedule. Well, let’s look at that, shall we?

Ok, after playing the mighty Whatevers of Northeastern, the Hokies enter AAC play on the road against North Carolina. Hey, it’s a conference game, and conference games are tough no matter the team. Let’s remain positive here.

From there it’s back to Lane Stadium to play Coach K and his tough Duke squad. Remember how well Tech played Duke in Cameron Indoor last time and the Devils needed a buzzer beater from half court to… What? Oh, yeah. We’re talking about football. Sorry. Thought I could fool ya, as my 4-year-old daughter, Gracie, would say.

On Sept. 23 Cincy comes to town. That could have been fun if Nick and Jessica were still together. You know what a big fan Nick is of the Bearcats. He could have come to Blacksburg and brought his lovely wife along. Imagine the buzz that could have caused. I’m sure Chad in the J.C. would have dipped deep into his wallet for tickets for a chance meeting with Jessica at Lane Stadium.

II can see it now; Chad is at the concession stand when he bumps into Jess, accidentally spilling Coke and ice all over her white T-Shirt that reads “Hokey Pokey” across her voluptuous breast. "I'm so sorry," Chad would say. "That's ok," Jessica replies as she removes the shirt to reveal a black, lace bra. "I can dry it like this," she explains as she twirls the shirt above her head, shaking all about and yelling "Go Hokies!" I hope Chad, who always has his digital camera, would not get so flustered that he would forget to snap photos to post on his newly-created blog.

Enough of that. Back to the schedule.

Next Tech welcomes Georgia Tech (a team they wrecked 52-7 in ’05), and then finally, six games into the slate, the Hokies play a tough team, going on the road to face Boston College. Moving forward Tech has the Southern Miss game at home, Clemson at home, Miami on the road, Kent State at home, Wake Forest on the road and then finish with in-state rival Virginia at Lane Stadium.

I wonder how many times ESPN executives will pencil Blacksburg in on their broadcasts slates when they get a load of that schedule?

I would almost say that number would be zero, but you have to remember that Tech will almost play whenever ESPN asks it to. The Hokies would play at 3 a.m. Thanksgiving morning if it meant having the ESPN trucks stationed on the Lane Stadium parking lots. And you know, I can’t really knock that. Jeez, we’re talking about the world wide leader in sports here.

But you know, I’m being unnecessarily negative about the schedule at a time, as I said earlier, when there is good news out of Blacksburg, which is the promise of a new season. A season, we hope, without the ultra hype and ultra distractions of promising yet troubled quarterback named Vick.

You know there was going to be plenty of hype. How many times do you think the word Heisman would have been muttered if Marcus Vick had kept his nose clean and returned for what would have been a glorious senior season and virtual NFL audition?

Plenty of hype, that’s for sure. But not now Tech fans. Now you can sit back, watch your team rebuild and enjoy the games with a clean slate while Marcus takes his act to the next level, baby.